Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
