Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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