new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
