My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
