the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.