I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.