I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.