tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
