I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
