There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
