I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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