ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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