and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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