I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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