I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
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You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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