i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
