Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
