what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
