Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
