Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
