I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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