i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza