you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
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It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
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It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.