I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
