You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
