"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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