Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
