I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
