I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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