Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
