some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
