im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
They have beer where we have blood.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
