She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
