Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
The air taste purple.
Randomize
