Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
