have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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