i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
