apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
