DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
