You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
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Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
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Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize