I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
His hands were made for my vagina.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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