I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
