I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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