I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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