I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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