In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
