I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
