have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
