mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
