I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
