Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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