dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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