i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
