I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
