I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER