The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
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We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
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I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.