i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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